Kalam and Sivananda

 This is about meeting of APJ Abdul Kalam and Swami Sivananda Saraswati. Not much is written, I wish they would have expanded it more. But, a good read.

Soumya

 Harapriya name the pandit choose 

Sharmistha my aunt proposed

My father picked Soumya 

My mother wanted to name me Suman

But she let it go

Finally they named me Soumya Sharmistha 

My friends till 5th class fondly called me Soumya

I loved my name

My beautiful class teacher in 5th told me Soumya do you know meaning of your name

She said Soumya is another name of Durga

Ohh 😮 I was blushing while hearing this

In 6th class Sister Lalita wanted my father to pick just one name

And he chose to stick with Sharmistha 

Had he asked me I would have selected 

Soumya not Sharmistha 🤪

It was my father's choice Sharmistha so be it

I loved Sharmistha as well

That is equally a beautiful name

My grandmother named me Uma 

And she still calls me Uma which is only reserved for her

I have many names and more than me

My son has dozens of name

That's how we Indians have various names

Is not it ?😊 and I am proud of all these names. ❤️

Two intelligent people do not fight

 While reading a beautiful blog of my fellow classmate that I accidentally stumbled upon. This thought came to my mind.

"Two intelligent people do not fight."

In her blog she was talking about narcissistic behaviour and co-parenting with them. But, why did my mind say "Two intelligent people do not fight."

Yes, they do not fight and would rather try and understand each others perspective. They will silently go around and let the other person explore for themselves, what didn't work and how to mend the ties.

In her blog she mentioned a nice quote, which touched me.

Itni tadap hai toh

Awaz kuin nahi lagate

MESSAGE likh kar SEND kuin nahi dabate

Koi khel nahi Yeh pyar hai pagle

Aur pyar mein haar jit ki baaji nahi lagate. 

Few more on biases

Our traditional practices are so weird sometimes that knowingly or unknowingly we do not even accept genuine blessings of people sometimes. 

I would like to dedicate this to childless couples. People treat them so badly. I have a beautiful colleague cum friend who is not blessed with any kid. She and I used to talk about our families. She would share how her own people would pass weird comments at her. 

It's so easy to see the negatives in any person. But, those who would genuinely try will see a beautiful and successful lady she is. Thankfully she has a supportive partner. 

I have an elder brother who is also not blessed with any kids. Both my brother and sister- in -law are in top of their career and lead a happy life. However, I have seen relatives bringing this up repeatedly in their absence. What makes them say such things and what do they get out of it? 

I myself had my child after 7 yrs of my marriage. My brother in law who got married later was blessed with a son a year before us. They did not inform us and we got this news from others. After 15 days they sent a mail to which I replied,

 Congratulations and God bless the little one. 

I kept it as short as possible. Still I got to hear that I am commenting on them. I decided never to ever reply to their mails or messages. Why can't I bless a kid in my own family? Do I not congratulate my friends and colleagues? If yes then what makes me not do that for a kid in my family? 

But, look at my brother that I spoke earlier he sent me his blessings that goes below when I was blessed with a kid,

"Life will keep changing but there is one thing that will remain constant throughout your life – your love for your child.

Congratulations for finding something so magical. Wishing you and your newborn many years of good health, love, and happiness."

Why do we condition our minds to even not accept blessings with an open heart? Last year I got to meet him and his wife after ages. I had never met his wife before. He stays in Gurgaon and I was there to visit my brother. I just called him and not only he responded but he and his wife visited us that very day. They were so generous they made another plan and invited us to their home and we shared our childhood memories and enjoyed. 

Why unnecessarily we don't see the blessings and instead focus on finding hidden agendas.. is it so tough that we can't see or feel that genuine thing, their positive vibes in it?  

Think, think and think?? 

Radha

 

Your standard of living/living a life with correct standards

 Yesterday night, before going to bed I turned the page in my calendar for today. Got this question there?

What is more important YOUR STANDARD OF LIVING or LIVING A LIFE WITH CORRECT STANDARDS??

Went to bed with this thought. Got up early and before entering kitchen I saw the wall next to the entrance. I don't do things associating meanings to it but just with GOOD INTENTIONS. Never thought why I arranged the paintings I made last year and decorated this wall like this. But, a thought runs to me saying, "Look at the order of these paintings, why did you put it this way?"

When I did it I thought two paintings have little colour in it and one is just black and white. So, let the black and white go in between to make it look symmetrical. However, digging little more into my thoughts, I see 

BUDDHA - representing BUDDHI or Wisdom

KRISHNA - representing ABUNDANCE OF LOVE 

And the third painting says,

LIFE IS A BEAUTIFUL RIDE.

This quote I found in a hospital reception. It clicked so I made this painting. 

In short with wisdom and abundance of love you make your life a beautiful ride.

Returning to the question in my calendar.

Answer is 

AHM! BHRAMASHMI!!

AHM! BHRAMASHMI!!

AHM! BHRAMASHMI!!

Meaning both your standard of living and living a life of correct standards is SAME. There is no separation if your intentions are good. 

As I write this, I am sitting in a park under the shed of a tree watching the garden filled with butterflies, dragon flies hovering over tiny yellow flowers. Is not it bliss?? I create my heaven with my creative mind. My mind matters!! See how proud I am of myself 🤣. That's me!! 

Let Krishna guide

 Don't know why ??

I feel like texting 

And then stop myself

We were friends first

But can we be that again ??

Stopping my emotions 

Takes so much effort 

Should I or should not I ??

Let krishna guide..

It's krishna's birthday 

Let him decide??

Silence

 Being the silent one 

I wanted to learn how to be more expressive

Instead I learnt how to be more silent 

From a talkative person

Silence in mind

Silence in words

Silence in action 

And silence when you are a work in progress 

As I write my son pulls me away

Saying mama don't write 

I tell to myself this is my survival guide

Let me write or you will never know

How to learn from others?? 

The intensity of my love

Taught me many good things 

That's how I know love is everything ❤️ 

Siblings and biases

As a child I never demanded anything 

Never for toys or chocolates or anything 

But my parents trusted me more than my

 brother 

This trust kept growing after my second 

 birth 

They supported me in all my decisions 

Warned me when needed but kept

 supporting me

It was the opposite for my brother 

My parents would question him for all his 

decisions 

Parents think they love all their children 

with equanimity 

But somehow there is a subconscious bias 

for their kids 

It is love that is reciprocated differently 

 based on ability or out of fear of protecting.

Thank God I have only one kid, I need not 

bother if I have this bias.

But with a single child again there is 

another level of bias😜 

Quotes on self

Got this somewhere,

"You'll always be brave in someone's mind and coward in another's, strong to one and fragile to another, good to one and terrible to another.

You will be seen as annoying to one and comforting to another. Some will feel anxious around you and some will find peace in your company. Some will see you as "too much" while others will see you as a gift.

The world will look at you from their subjective point of view. The world is never going to agree on a definition of who you are.

So you might as well live the way that feels true to your heart.

Wind blowing on my face

 Took a stroll in the evening

Walked behind my child

And felt the wind

I asked him did you feel it

He said yes..

I asked him again how did you feel 

He said good..

And That's life..

Weather here is so good these days

Either drizzling or wind blowing at my face

I wish I could sit just outside 

Do nothing and just feel it like a child

This is life embrace it and feel the life!! ❤️

My first hospital stay

To experience life visiting hospital is a must..

I experienced joy of life when I hold 

My little brother  wrapped in a Red shawl.

Then came my near death experience 

All night I was in pain

I saw my mother alone

And kept holding on to pain

In the morning one aunt came

I asked for help and she brought a doctor 

I was rushed to hospital immediately after

 that 

Private hospitals refused to admit me

I was sent to the oldest and biggest hospital 

In my ward there were many patients 

All patients went within a week 

Many recovered and few went to heaven 

I was one of the youngest in that ward

They didn't let me go until ten days

May be that's why I was sent back

My father reached there only after four days

When finally they let me go

I was too weak

I saw myself in mirror after that

I couldn't see my horrible white eyes

Family friends came visiting us in hospital 

And home

They talked about food that I should eat

One day I got so angry I told them 

Not to speak of soups ..I can't eat

My hair was gone 

And I trimmed it short

I gained weight with the doses of medicines.

Slowly I recovered but lost my confidence 

My friend visited me and boosted my

 confidence 

I didn't wanted to go back to college 

But did that with faith!!

Truth is truth

 Death is the truth. It will come oneday..

You could have taken me back

When I was too sick,

But you choose to send me back

To experience what?

I was so happy and good , may be the best version of myself then

If at all you would have taken me that time 

I would have left with so much love,

My classmates would have enjoyed a holiday for not knowing who is gone😂

But you choose to send me back

I remember watching myself in mirror after that

I couldn't imagine how my eyes looked that bad

The doctor showed me to all his patients 

Happily sharing look at her, she is back

Doctors didn't believe I remembered my scores

One of them scolded me for not being able to sit straight 

But why did you send me back ?

Go through pain and keep showing up strength 

But for what?

What's my purpose, can you help me find that?? 

I believe it's detachment and I am learning that

Once I complete this, take me back and never send me back. 

Is it telepathy??

 How come yesterday I was busy drafting my post and suddenly your request appeared?? Strange??

Today got a call from my old friend and I was like wow suddenly my friends are finding time for me. Otherwise it's been like I am calling everyone and nobody bothers to check on me. 

Whatever it is ... I am certainly feeling elated. 

Does telepathy really work?? Maybe pure coincidence.. 🤪

Finally got it!!

I was reading a book after long time. Yesterday got up early and thought to read that before I go ahead with other things in morning. But, could not find my book.

I kept searching, made my husband and kid to look for it. Generally I don't loose any stuff. . And I can say where I kept what just by closing my eye.. ? But I am the one who is looking for lost things for my family  for example my husband's finger ring which I got after a month of him loosing it.. and see me I lost a book... Where could it go? 

Only two chapters left to complete and that too on human psychology and relationship..  I felt as though something is telling me.. it's better you don't read it. Why?? Why at all??

Today morning again I started searching.. it's 10 in morning and I didn't do other works. Thankfully I got it now. Happy me and happy day ahead!! How silly of me 😂😂 

Good things take time .. 

Melissa

Suddenly, your picture flashes in my mind.

I go back to the time we talked about life.

I do not know how we connected so well.

I got a great mentor cum friend.

You missed your mother so much 

that you too left so early just like her.

Your father is all alone at this age.

 His Alzheimer's is one way helpful 

that he does not remember much.

It's been 3 months and your family must be doing better.

May God give them the strength to bear your loss. 

Cheers to the great human that you were, 

keep smiling and blessing as you always did. 

Relationships

 I consider my relationship with you 

was good and healthy..

I trusted you and I know you trusted me.

You never promised nor I forced..

But, I tried my best to take this to next level..

It didn't happen, I know something stopped you,

What was it I don't know?? 

I tried to find but you didn't let me know..

So, let it be.. your secret with you..

Still we ended it..

Yet you helped me when I needed..

I wish I could help but you didn't needed me..

All relationship are not same, nor do they need same treatment to end.

Silent treatment hurts.. It hurts more than loosing the relationship. 

Letting someone know is not that difficult. 

If you would have talked, I would have overreacted only in front of you. May be I would have cried or may be would have said you something but it would have been better. I would not have needed anyone else to comfort me. Others remarks to my overreaction made me realise that I am overreacting. How foolish of me.. 😂

Anyways it was your way and I could do nothing.  I wish I could tell you this. But, why I needed to do that was my question to myself?? So, I didn't say anything.. 

After several years I am writing this.. why I don't understand.. felt like so letting my thoughts flow and vanish. 

Snail's pace!!

 Saw a snail crawling today morning.

There's never a slower pace than

Snail competing in a race.

My pace is also same as you snail,

Am I in a competition or out ??

Never mind let's just crawl,

After all we are competing against 

our past self.. even crawling is better 

Than standing in that same place.

It will take longer but we will be 

at our destination.. 

Tumhaare liye

 Tumhaare liye jagah hai kahin dil me, shayad usse kabhi na meeta pau,

kya sochti hu mein tumhare liye, shayad kabhi na dikha pau,

Mere jazbaat ka tum woh panna ho, Jisse shayad kabhi na tumko padha pau,

Fir bhi ek ajeeb tamanna hai, ki ek baar aur tumko najar bhar dekh pau 

Bas daar lagta hai ki unn ankho mein ab mujhe tum ajnabee si ek najar na do 

Aakhir hum ajnabee toh nahii..kuch bhavishya na sahi ..ek atith toh wohi hai hum dono ka.. 

Boring me!!

 Why would someone want to know me..

The boring, serious,studious me.

If at all you get to know me,

Why would you be with me?

The boring, serious, studious me..

Yes, a boring me .. 

When you can get a colourful life,

Why would you be with me?

The boring, serious, studious me..

My life is all black and white 

No colours no drama ..

It's so boring..is not it?

I can catch your eye..

But not be that interesting. 

Why would you like to be with me?

When you can get colours and drama ?..

Go chase your beautiful life,

Let me be in my life - black and white. 

With love 💕 for you forever ❤️ 

Na samajh sake!!

 Na paa sake, 

Na bhula sake

Na bata sake,

Na jata sake

Too kya hai mere liye ?

Na khud samajh sake

Na tum samajha sake!!

Bas aage baadh chale

Ek aas liye ki kabhi kisi 

Mod par fir tum se mil sake!!

Miss love and go on

 He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. 

He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break.

 Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there.

 Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you.

DESERVE

 I needed you,

I tightened my grip

And you slipped away. 

You said you didn't deserve me

All I knew that my soul choose you 

Among admiration of so many 

My soul choose you.. 

what it deserved it doesn't know

I knew life is not bed of roses

But if we choose we could make it happy

Today my soul still says 

I am in you and you are in me

I still don't understand 

What to do 

Should I suppress my feelings 

Or let it flow

Why is it that there is such an urge?

Why still I need to fight with me,

To let it be as it is ?... 

My mind says 

Am I such a bad person ,

That I have to fight with myself always?

What is it that I should do?

I have no answer 

I wish you could tell me 

what should I do ?..

Just don't tell me that DESERVE word

 ever again.. 

My pearl bracelet

 My pearl bracelet 

I kept it close to myself..

Along with 3 other pearl earrings.

But the bracelet was my most favourite 

I lost it...

At the Stockholm airport..

Realised it's gone when 

I was hurrying back home

Could see it from far away 

That I left it in the security tray

Wished to get it back 

But time was not there to go back

On my way back

Kept missing it

This too left me..

Then made my mind 

Who wants to see it??

Never bought any bracelet again 

Today again after 8 yrs

I bought a rose colour bracelet 

It cannot replace my pearl bracelet

Because the emotions mattered.

I am left with only one pair pearl earrings 

Hope this year l will buy some more

But I know I will keep missing the other two

I wish I could get them back

I wish I could feel the emotions that mattered.

Pls don't tell me not to be so emotional 

Because that's how I am .. if not this

Then where is me in it ??

Forgive or punish

 Today morning started with the news of Dara Singh who is seeking mercy for his crime against Graham Steins and his sons Timothy and Philip. On one hand we Indians are fighting and supporting to see the criminals of Dr Moumita being punished and on other hand, our BJP govt is seeking mercy for Dara Singh.

During my engineering days, me and my friends went to a tailor in Baripada who happened to be neighbours of Steins family. I remember the girl showing us a small album of pictures they had taken with the kids Timothy, Philip and their elder sister Easter. The girl was crying and yet explaining happily how they used to play together. It was painful to go through that suffering long after the incident at Manoharpur. 

Years later may be in 2022 ..I read a book by Prativa Rai named "Sesha Eswara" meaning the "The last God." In one chapter she has depicted this heinous crime. The plight of two young kids and their father being burnt alive inside the van. It was horrible to go through that pain again. I can't even do justice to the picture that dances in front of my eyes when I think about it. One should read this book if you too want to feel the pain. 

Yet, I remember watching an interview of Glades Steins where she was telling the reporters that she has FORGIVEN the criminals and she does not want to know if they will be punished or freed. Later she got Bharat Ratna and there was debate on this too. Since, Congress decided they wanted her to get Bharat Ratna. Whether that was justified or not I don't know. But, as a mother it is the most difficult thing to forgive the criminals but she did that with so much ease and grace. It remained with me forever. 

I know for sure Dara Singh will be freed, as he served 24 yrs in jail already and if they could let the killers of Rajiv Gandhi go why not Dara Singh?? Whatever it is when Glades Steins can forgive why not we, anyways the pain of losing them remains with her more than anyone in the world.  

Distraction and Inspiration

 May be I was your distraction

And you were my inspiration. 

You decided to get rid of distraction,

And in the process I lost my Inspiration. 

I wanted to hold on because inspiration 

How can I let you go that easily...

You let me go because you were 

Letting go of your distraction..

It's okay, I say to myself,

Let my inspiration go..

If that's what is required for your goals..

I was never too ambitious,

But would do anything to see you happy.

So, I let you go.. to find your joy, your goals.

You defeated me finally ..

And I still won by not being your distraction 

Anymore!! 

All the very best, wherever you are..

May you achieve all your goals,

Make me proud too .. I your distraction will always cheer for you!!

Weird uncomfortable events!!

 On continuation to my previous post today I am sharing some of the weirdest events that occurred with me. Few years ago there was this METOO movement where many of my classmates shared their experiences.. I too wanted to share but which one should I pick ..I did not understood..

One of the incidents was in 2006 Bangalore. I had not even got a job then but this is the only event where I seeked help. One evening me and my roommate were coming back to our hostel and we were inside Forum mall. One thin, black man with red eyes kept following us. He was constantly staring at me. When we marked him, we both went from one shop to other thinking he will disappear. But, no he kept following us. Then I called up my friend and her boyfriend Hota bhai was staying near my hostel. He agreed to come for us. It was merely 500 mts that we needed to walk. But, we were scared by his look. He called me and asked both of us to walk in his front and he would follow us keeping certain distance in between. We did that and reached hostel safely. All thanks to him, he came that day. This man kept following me for couple of days more. He would appear from nowhere and stand staring at me in the auto stand. Thankfully he disappeared after a few days.

In another event I was coming home from Bangalore in 2008 by train. A man boarded train near Rajamundry and he stood near the gate. My seat was in middle row and opposite to the door. He kept making indecent gesture at me till the time he got down at Vizag. I just turned away and ignored. But, what was that... ??

In another incident on a public bus a man stood next to me did similar thing. Needless  to explain further.. he got down and started whistling. 

On a morning shift, my cab did not come or I missed it ..I don't remember. I was walking till a auto, one man doing jogging approached me and grabbed me. Then he ran away. I looked around but couldn't see any one nearby. It was so hurting, almost my tears came... 

If I go on and on it will be very long .. so let's end it with this one,

In my school days, I think It was in class 3 or 4. There was a teacher who once asked me to come to his desk. Infront of whole class he said sit in my chair next to me. I am actually laughing as I write this, what makes me laugh I don't understand. Then he pinched my waist and let me go back to my place. What was that... As a kid I didn't understood. I didn't share this at home, because I didn't understood why he did it. Thankfully my father had a transferable job and we went from there that year.  Why he had to do that.. ?? 

If someday someone gives me permission to slap someone...I would like to give a tight one to him. Teachers.. huh. 

May be because of my weird experiences in train.. and airport being so far from the city.. I choose to leave Bangalore, even without thinking about the opportunities that the city could offer. 

Also I left behind all the attention seeking behaviour of my fellow classmates. They were immature or wanted to grab my attention, whatever it may be I am leaving them out of this. 

People say you DESERVE better.What better.. what is DESERVE. Did I deserve this? What does this DESERVE word actually means. All I know is what I WANT.. what is DESERVE to me .. NOTHING. One useless word in my dictionary.

I remember my mom would wait in middle of the road each day after school. This didn't make things easy, because I feared telling her if someone made me uncomfortable on the way. I felt she will fear more. I don't think I look very beautiful. I am not very tall, or very beautiful but yes pretty enough to catch some eyes. 

In all this incident what do you think being a woman means... You just keep wishing Kash ke mein ek ladka hota.. may be I am jealous of men. Sayad!! Because being woman is not so easy.

Risks that make me question

As we witnessed this latest rape case in Kolkata, I just happened to think of what all stupid, crazy things that I did or we friends did. These are some of my best memories, yet could have been dangerous. I don't regret living these moments but definitely feel no girl should try these because you never know when men around you can turn like beasts.

1 - Before one of my roommates wedding, she wanted to taste alcohol. As she was sceptical about her husband allowing her to do so post marriage. And one night after work we went to a very popular bar near our home. 4 of us but the bar did not had any other girl apart from us. We enjoyed our first gin though it was neither tasty 😂😂nor made us feel that alcohol had any effect on us. 😫😫  But, it was late in night and a bar filled with men. 

2-  We 4 girls used to go to a near by theatre for late night movies. It used to start at 9 pm and end by 12 AM midnight. We did this couple of times while coming back we had to walk a distance of nearly 1km to reach our home. Thankfully the crowd there never made us feel uncomfortable. More than the movie time in malls .. we enjoyed it here. 

3- I made a friend in Bangalore whom I new through social media. Thankfully he was a good man and we became friends forever. Someone who still keeps in touch and gives genuine advice when needed. 

4- I went around the city with a friend cum colleague on his invite. He showed me.. museums, park.. some great kabab joints and we became friends. 

5- Landed in airport at midnight from 32 hour long journey. To my haste my husband did not answer my call. I was so tired that I could not wait longer and catched a bus to reach home. The safest option bus. My initial thought was he would pick my call by the time I reach my nearest stop. But, my bad luck he did not.. and I ended up walking back home with a big bag all alone in that dark night. I was frightened. 

Thankfully these men never made me feel uncomfortable. They were nice and I found good friends in them forever.  And I am still mad at my husband for his irresponsibility. 😡

But, somehow I feel it wasn't necessary for me or my friends to do such things. We did and found some beautiful memories. Don't know why but was it worth taking such risks?? May be or may not be.. until something terrible happens nobody minds doing such things.  So, who needs to change... Is it the attitude of girls going little out of their way to feel alive?? Yes, risks comes with repercussions if it doesn't end up well. And who knows which accidents are waiting for us in which corner of our life??  

This is a mad mad world, and you never know what madness it can bring to you.  

Zindagi jitni samajh aayi

 Kuchh Lines Is Bekaar Si Zindagi Pr......... 

Yahan Pal Pal Jalna Padta Hai Har Rang Main Dhalna Padta Hai. 

Har Mor Pe Thokar Lagti Hai Har Haal Main Chalna Padta Hai. 

Har Dil Ko Samajhne Ke Liye KhudSe Ladhna Padta Hai. 

Kabhi Khud Ko Khona Padta Hai. Kabhi Chhup Chhup Ke Rona Padta Hai. 

Kabhi Neend Na Aaye Phoolon Pe, Kabhi Kanton Pe Sona Padta Hai. 

Kabhi Mar Ke Jeena Padta Hai, Kabhi Jee Ke Marna Padta Hai. 

Kabhi To Khushiyan Loat Ke AayenGi. Is Aas Pe Jeena Padta Hai....

To whom should I write

 To whom should I write

The one who wanted to read 

Left long back..

My thoughts are here with me

Our memories are making me restless

But to whom should I write 

Life happened as it was meant to be 

Years after years passed

But still I feel you 

It hurt when you left 

I respected your limits

But can't stop my memories 

So I write 

May be someday after I am gone

You would read it then

I deleted and destroyed all

That I wrote before 

But can't forget your voice 

Your giggles and your smiling face 

So I write may be one last time ..

Kash ke tum thode bure hote

 Kash ke tum thode bure hote

Kash ke tum thode bure hote

Aakar apne saath  le chalte

Toh kitna achha hota

Tumne kaha mein kya itna bura hu 

Maan toh kar raha tha 

Kash ki tum bure hote 

Sach mein aa jate toh kitna achha hota 

Itni achhayi mere kis kam ki 

Jab tum mere liye kuch apni

Acchayi chhod na sako

Kash ki tum thode bure hote 

Aaj fir bhi saath hote

Acche hokara khona hai bahat muskil

Kash ki tum thode bure hote 

Moving On !!

 I have mixed feelings about this incident, some unresolved feelings I still don't understand. Maybe I am too free and my mind is wandering on things that are not important to me. So, whatever it may be I am not going to stop myself from sharing this today. 

In 2008 in Bangalore, I was feeling low one day. One of my roommates who worked with me in the same office took me out for shopping. The other roommate went to native. So, we two started our journey in the evening around 4 pm. We went to catch an auto near Forum mall and all of a sudden her boyfriend came and she introduced me to him. I don't remember his name anymore but his nickname "Litu" stayed with me. He was fair 5"6 around and little fat. He came wearing a bright red full shirt and a stripped black formal pants. At first, I did not feel like going with them. But, somehow we went. We went to the commercial street, she did some shopping and I bought a Pink color dress for myself. I had Gadbad ice cream for the first time. It was good and the look was awesome. This guy was complaining of some stomach ache but all three of us ate it. Then we headed back to our place. 

A few months later, my roommate said her boyfriend Litu was not keeping well and they went to see the doctor. She would go out with him almost every day. She said he was saying "I am not feeling good so let's go and watch some movies. I feel like I won't last long."  So, I was like okay out of sickness he is behaving like this. Then she went to her native place that very week. I saw Litu coming to drop her at the airport. She returned 10 days later and said, Litu would go to his home by train. 

On the day, we both were on the morning shift. After office, when we reached our place she got a call and she came rushing back to the room all in tears and said Litu could not make it. He went to Jajpur and his parents came to receive him. But, he expired on the way back from the train to his house. We were shocked. She kept crying and said I can see him all around. We did not know what to say. 

Then I said if it was so serious why was he here? He could have come with you when you went home. Or maybe you would have informed his parents to come to Bangalore. She replied they would scold me so or say something which I wouldn't feel like hearing so I did not inform them. I said at least you could have told me, I would have called and talked to his family. It's not that difficult. Or else would have asked any of our male friends or colleagues.. they could have helped. But, then we stopped this discussion and focused on her. We would bring her food and wherever she needed for the next couple of days. 3 days later, we took her out. We just went around in Kormangla, thinking it would make it easy for her. To our surprise, she ended up buying a jacket that day... we did not expect that. 

After a week both of us were in the night shift. Suddenly she fell down in the office hurting her chin. It was a minor cut but they took her to hospital. After my shift was over, the duty manager called me and took me to the hospital with him. I went... when we reached the hospital I was shocked to see one of our friends, we knew he had a crush on my roommate. And she always said she didn't like him. How come he was there??  I felt like a fool.. 😂😂 The duty manager left us and headed home. And I felt why she needed me there?? Oh if he was there I could have gone home, and I was least interested in being kabab mein haddi 😂😂😂... but she keeps making me that. 

From that day on I saw them spending time together.. After a few months, one day she called me and one of my friends to Forum Mall. She said there was a surprise so come as soon as possible. We both went there and to our shock, not a surprise, she wanted to celebrate Litu's birthday with her new boyfriend. And she needed us too.. Again .. Ahh!! 😂😂😂 We two friends looked at each other when she was blowing candles and her boyfriend was singing Happy Birthday to Litu. Felt like saying this is enough I am not feeling like being part of this but don't know what kept me from not sharing it that time. 

What was this?? Whom did she love?? Is this moving on... when did it start?? 3 days after Litu's death or sometime before itself.. Call me old school... not fit for this society or whatever... I still don't understand these new concepts of hookup culture, situationship or some other weird terms of the design.. No, I don't... Maybe I have conditioned myself not to understand what this MOVING ON means exactly... whom they are fooling, themselves or others around them?? Cant really understand how similar yet so different our thinking and emotions could be.. I dont know if she remembers Litu any more or not but I still remember that guy. 

Now she is doing professionally well and has married her boyfriend. But after this birthday celebration slowly we both moved away from each other.. We never spoke about it, but maybe she sensed I was not okay being part of such celebrations or maybe our minds don't match. It went so far apart that I ended up changing the room we shared. We are not in touch but I know what she is doing.  

A scary dream !!

 In my childhood days, I remember waking up to weird dreams at night. My parents would sit holding me and comforting me that there is nothing. I was about 5 yrs of age, when I would end up seeing flying objects, humans and sometimes would see myself falling into deep dark tunnel. I would wake up screaming and my parents would comfort me. Keep the lights on for the night. Slowly these dreams disappeared. But, I can still visualise those dreams. 

Then there was this scary dream that I saw in my engineering third year days. I shared this only with my roommates in Bangalore years later and they both got so scared that did not sleep that night. But, I slept..😂

So, here it goes. It was the day I returned to hostel after summer break. It was a tiring journey from Bhubaneswar to Bombay chhack in daytime. I reached hostel at around 3:30pm with my friend who accompanied me. Room was a mess. And my roommate had not come. So, I had to clean the room. My side block was empty. The friend who accompanied me stayed in the floor above me. And the below floor had our juniors. That day we were very few girls in the hostel. 

I was too tired from the journey and the cleaning. My room was on the side of hostel towards the east. My window opened to a village road with view of a weird Kali temple. Weird because once we four friends went there saw noone around. We just prayed and left. It was a small temple with Kali maa idol. On top of her head was a small slab with three small human skulls. When we returned to hostel our security guard scolded us. He said you should not have been to that temple. No villager would go there. Only the Kali sadhak who stays close to the temple performs the puja. On the last diwali this guard came to each of our rooms and warned not to open our windows in night. He said never to look out on Diwali night. 

Now returning to the day of dream. On that very night, I was too tired and fell asleep really quickly. At around 2 am I saw a man yellowish white around 5" 8 well built entering my window. His body had a smooth and beautiful glow. I don't remember the face but his physique.. he had a long tail and was naked. He enters my room by the window and grabs my throat. I was screaming but couldn't produce any sound other than gaaaaw..gaaaw. I am trying to push his hand but he had grabbed me with force. I wanted to chant mantra.. but could not recollect Hanuman chalisa.. so, I tried to say jay hanuman.. but only managed to say ohm.. he released me and rushes out of my room by the door which was behind me. I got up.. could feel the pain in my neck. It was hurting.. as if really someone grabbed it willing to kill me. 😫😫

I ran out of my room, I could not see anyone. Then I saw one of my junior in the corridor. I thought shall I go to her. Standing in the corridor I thought, why to scare her. She has exam tomorrow. I stood there... Then I came back and realised my window was open. Closed it, said my prayers. I kept my lights on and went back to sleep. I couldn't sleep though but may be around the morning fell asleep.  

What a memorable dream is not it?? See I remember each bit of it. It's been nearly 20 years to this incident but I can't forget this dream. 

Narasimha Avatar

 Today as I write, I would like to share that last month July had not  been so good for me. I was not getting proper sleep and my nights would end up thinking about random thoughts. I felt restless and was not sure what to do. 

Then my mom asked me to pray to Narasimha. I started praying since last one week and from last 3 days I feel I am getting proper sleep even though it's not 8 hours full and I wakeup early but I feel better. So, I am sharing what I got from my research about Lord Narasimha and his association with overcoming fear and anxiety.  Here it goes..

Swami Sivananda, says that spiritual aspirants will have to face their fears to succeed in spiritual life. Yogis say there are three categories of suffering that human beings face-- those from one's own body/mind (e.g. diseases), those from other living beings (animals, people, devas, astral beings etc) and those from nature (flood, famine, fires etc).

Nobody wishes to suffer so people often experience fear when they face the above. Diseases produce fear; ferocious and venomous creatures produce fear. Some people fear astral beings (negative entities) while others fear severe weather.

Sivananda says that courage is absolutely necessary in spiritual life. He declares that timid people are completely unfit for spirituality. However, fear is a perfectly natural emotion. It is related to our survival instinct. Having said that, our minds often produce a lot of unnecessary fear related to events that will never happen, or imaginary threats. This consumes a lot of mental energy, exhausts us and makes our life unhappy.

Therefore, it is worth considering some spiritual remedies to instil courage into our minds and overcome all fears.

Any name of God is capable of bringing all auspiciousness into our lives and of destroying all fear and inauspiciousness. However, certain forms of God are often worshipped to destroy fear. One such form is Narasimha, the man-lion avatar of Lord Narayana.

Narayana manifested the Narasimha avatar to protect His devotee, the child Prahlada from the demon Hiranyakashipu (the father of Prahlada). The form of Lord Narayana is usually peaceful and calm-- He is called 'Shantakaram'. However, in this avatar, He takes on a most furious form. He is depicted as an wondrous being, with the face of a magnificent lion and the body of a powerful man. 

All the gods, demons and everybody (including Narayana's own consort, Goddess Lakshmi) was terrified at the sight of Him and were unable to calm His anger. They tried to pacify Narasimha but did not succeed. Finally, in desperation, they begged the child, Prahlada, for whose sake Narayana had assumed this extraordinary form, to go to Narasimha and calm Him down. 

Prahlada then approached Narayana in His Narasimha avatar and praised Him with a hymn. This calms down the great man-lion avatar and He affectionately took Prahlada in His lap and blessed Him.

Here is one such powerful mantra of lord Narasimha.

Ugram Viram Maha-Vishnum 

jvalantam sarvato mukham

narasimha bhishanam bhadram

mrityur mrityum namamy aham!!

I also suggested to one of my friend who has been suffering from multiple health issues. In a different post I will share if he tried it and did he see any positive impact of it. But, I am sure he will feel positive. 

Thoda sa pyar bhejna

 Agar kabhi yaadon mein aa jaye

Agar kabhi sapno mein pareshan kare

Toh thoda sa pyar bhejna

Bhale dur se hi sahi 

Par thoda sa pyar bhejna 

Kabhi yeh na sochna kuch galat hua

Bas jara sa pyar bhejna 

Kabhi jo Jaan the tumhare

Bhale hi na nibha sake saath unka

Bas thoda sa pyar bhejna 

Bhale na aa sako puchne 

Ki ab kaisa hai haal unka

Bas thoda sa pyar bhejna 

Kuch pal esse bhi the

 Kuch pal esse bhi the jab aanshu ruk hi nahi rahe the

Maa hi thi akeli jisne dard ko samjha tha

Pucha tha ki agar tu bole toh saari umar 

Tujhe esse hi rehne du..

Maan toh bhar aaya tha par fir najar 

Mere papa aur bhai aaye

Najar aaya toh bas mayush chehre ..

Kuch pal esse bhi the jab meine kudh se pucha

Kya mein jindagi bhar sab ko rulaugi..

Fir bas aanshu ruk se gaye

Pata tha kuch sahi nahi hai par mushkura 

Kar aage chal diye

Fir kabhi aanshu nahi bahe..

Sannata sa tha, kuch bhi sahi nahi tha 

Par hum sabse hashke mil liye

Grief takes time!!

 They say “grief takes time,” but who’s counting?

While they’re watching the clock, 

I’m recounting: 

Memories, 

Love,

A bond never broken.

By death, 

Time,

Or words unspoken. 

They say “grief takes time.” 

I say stop counting. It's never going.

Thankyou zindagi !!

 Thankyou for teaching me 

I needed to prioritise myself first.

I needed to unlearn going to war

for people I love. 

Thankyou for teaching me to sit back 

and let them pickup their sword. 

Thankyou for teaching me to practice 

detachment with loved ones.

Thankyou for preparing me to stay only 

with me in midst of chaos.

Thankyou for realising me who I am.

Thankyou for realising me I have my

love inside me forever.

Thankyou for realising me some memories 

are worth living. 

Thankyou for making me hopeful and still 

believe in miracles. 

Understanding me!!

 In anger I cried, 

My heart pumping high

Did not eat and made it miserable 

I wished it never happened 

Then the understanding me

appeared from no where.

Slowly it whispered 

Flip the coin, see the other side..

I wiped my tears and opened

my eyes, it was not me alone.

I saw you too feeling the pain.

Only difference I was crying 

But you took it all without sheding tears.

I felt miserable thinking of my people 

Then the understanding me,

thought for one last time let me 

do what everyone wanted and

 even you.

The understanding me wanted to

make my people smile..

I did what was needed and could not cry

I understood life when I felt nothing was

right, but kept on smiling without sheding 

tears..

Oneday you appeared telling me you are

alone. It was the first time I was rude and 

pushed you as far as I could..

I wished you well and had to leave. 

I wished I could talk but the understanding 

me reminded me if not now , you too shall 

end up in pain just like me.

Years later I wish I could ask, but

the understanding me says just stop it here.

Anisuthide yako indu

 This music from kannada movie mungaru malaye is so heart touching, even though I don't know kannada well and left banglore almost 15 yrs now... This song stayed with me. Coping the lyrics and meaning.. 

Anisuthide yaako indu, neenenay nannavaLendu

maayada lokadinda, nanagaagi bandavaLendu

Aaaha yentha madhuraa yaathane

kollu hudugi ommay nanna, haagay summanay

There is a feeling at this instant, which makes me wonder, whether are you the one for me ?

Are you the one, who has descended from the land of illusion just for me?

Oh! It is such a pleasurable sensation.

Come on girl, let me be in this feeling forever.

Suriyuva soneyu suuside ninnaday parimaLa

Inyaara kanasalu, neenu hoedaray taLamaLa

PoorNa chandira rajaa haakida ninneya mogavanu kanDa kshaNa

naa khydi neene seremanay

tappi nanna appiko ommay, haagay summanay

Anisuthide yaako indu........

This drizzle is dripping with your fragrance.

Your presence in someone else's dream makes me very restless

The full moon went on a holiday after setting sight on you face

Girl, I am the prisoner in the prison of your love

Give me a hug atleast once, just like that.

TutigaLa hoovali, aaDada maatina sihiyide

manasina puTadali kevala ninnaday sahi ide

haNeyali bareyada ninna hesara hrudayadi naane korediruvay

ninagunTe idara kalpanay ?

nanna hesara koogay ommay haagay summanay

There is the sweetness of the unspoken words on your soft lips

My mind/heart is filled with you

Although you are not in my destiny, I have carved your name in my heart/mind

Oh Girl, are you aware of this ?

Call out my name atleast once, Just like that!

Anisuthide yaako indu, neenene nannavaLendu

maayada lokadinda, nanagaagi bandavaLendu

aaaha yentha madhuraa yaathane

kollu hudugi omme nanna haagay summanay

There is a feeling at this instant, which makes me wonder whether are you the one for me ?

Are you the one who has descended from the land of illusion just for ?

Oh! It is such a pleasurable sensation.

Come on girl, let me be forever in this feeling

Hallucinations

 Just now noted a mail from aug 2011 in my mail. Read it and looked like I don't even remember having that conversation. Why my friend send that, we would have spoken before sending it. But, when?? Was I hallucinating?? Weird things.. 

Since, when did I start to hallucinate??