Rai's marriage was suddenly arranged, and she felt unprepared. Her heart still ached for her lover, who had chosen his family over her. Now, she was doing the same, prioritizing her family’s happiness and reluctantly agreeing to the marriage.
In just two weeks, the wedding would take place. Rai felt the need to call her lover to share her feelings, even though she knew it wasn't necessary. During the call, she found herself asking if he would ever want to be with her again. He firmly said "No." With a heavy heart, she told him about her marriage, forcing a smile to hide her tears.
Rai didn’t know the man she was marrying, nor did she want to. Everyone, including her lover, insisted that everything happens for a reason, as if they knew she would have a wonderful life ahead. But deep down, she didn’t feel that way. Did she have a choice? No. So, she steeled herself for the marriage.
“What is there for me in this marriage? How will I navigate this journey?” she wondered. Her inner voice replied, “Just look your best. Once you have a child, life will move on.” But how could she forget her lover, the one she was so attached to? Her inner voice answered, “You can’t.” Could she love another person the same way? Again, the answer was “No.” But if her husband loved her, she might learn to live with him. It wouldn’t be love, but rather an attachment to share a life together.
When her lover asked about the wedding date, she hesitated. Why did he want to know? He questioned her trust, saying, “Am I that bad?” A smile crept onto her face. She thought, “How can I tell you that I trusted you, still trust you, and always will? Knowing my wedding date makes you feel trusted, so here it is.” Yet, in her heart, she wished he would come and take her away before the wedding, even though she knew he couldn’t.
On her wedding day, she avoided looking at her husband. She went through the motions of taking vows, not caring whether he was watching her. When it was time to leave her family home, she noticed no tears from her father or brother. Her own tears had already dried up when her lover chose someone else. Now she thought, “Why should I cry when everyone seems so happy to send me away?”
On her wedding night, she felt awkward. When her husband approached her, she felt nothing. She wondered why she didn’t feel the butterflies in her stomach like she had when her lover kissed her. She could still remember that kiss, but felt nothing for her husband. It was a strange, emotionless feeling, almost like the experience of a prostitute who gives themselves away without feeling anything. Rai realized how human and vulnerable those prostitute were.
A week later, she discovered her husband had no real interest in her and was pretending otherwise. She had learned that he would need medical help to father a child. Lying on her pillow, she questioned God, “What should I do now? All I wanted was a child to help me through this marriage.” Then she reminded herself, “I married for my family. They are happy, and that’s what matters.” She kept her struggles to herself, trying to find the positives while ignoring the negatives. “At least he can’t hurt me, cant rape me” she thought. “It could be worse.”
When she returned to work, her mixed feelings from the wedding lingered. Her lover checked in on her, and she wished he would make her feel human again. “Just talk to me,” she thought. But she didn’t share her struggles. He suggested planning trips with her husband, and she read those messages, feeling frustrated. “What good would a trip do? My life is already a mess.” She didn’t want to share her problems, but she still craved to talk to him, knowing it couldn’t last forever.
A year later, her lover messaged her again, saying, “You’re with someone now, and I’m still alone.” Anger surged within her. Tears filled her eyes as she responded harshly. Her heart ached to tell him how miserable her life had become. Would it be selfish to share her pain with him? What could he do? Why did everyone push her to marry? They said it was God’s plan, but what if it wasn’t? Why couldn’t her lover have said, “Wait for me”? She would have waited forever. All she could do was accept the life God had chosen for her.
She sent a message that pushed him away, thinking, “Go live a better life than mine. If my defeat means your victory, so be it. I will accept my defeat for you to win. I loved you and will always love you. I will live my life in your memory and hope you find someone better than I could ever be. Go, so you have a fair chance to choose someone.”
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