The journey of Shivaratri: remembrance and beyond!!

 Seventeen years later, your memory resurfaces, vivid as ever. I recall that time with startling clarity: my chickenpox, my youngest brother's looming board exams, and my father's hurried journey to collect me. We went to Vijayawada, his then-posting, where the doctor's medications painted my face with a thick, ominous coating. As a young girl, I feared the scars they might leave. The drugs made me drowsy, and I languished in my father's quarters, the humid heat a stark contrast to Bangalore's climate.

Then came Maha Shivaratri. My mother's call brought devastating news: your suicide attempt. You were in the hospital, conscious, but when you spoke, you addressed your mother as your sister's mother, not your own.

Now, I understand the depth of your anguish. The day after Shivaratri, my mother called again, this time with finality. You were gone. Shiva, it seemed, had chosen to end your suffering. I hope he granted you peace, a better existence. If reincarnation is real, I hope your current life is filled with joy. You would be around fifteen or sixteen now, perhaps facing your own board exams. Do well this time. Build a meaningful life, and don't give up.

Your tragedy, I believe, strengthened my mother. She nurtured me through my own emotional turmoil years later, teaching me to forgive, both others and myself. Forgiving others came easier than forgiving myself. Though I pretended otherwise, the guilt lingered for years. I never realized how deeply intertwined these events were.

Did your experience fundamentally change how my family reacted to my own struggles? Perhaps. Are we still connected in some unseen way? Could you be near me, unknown?

We often dwell on "what ifs," mourning futures we envisioned but never realized. Losing you is a regret that still haunts me.

This Shivaratri, my brother is moving, and I pray that Shiva will guide him in all his plans. Seventeen years, and the memories still echo.

I used to observe the Shivaratri fast since my third year of college, stopping in 2008 due to illness. I'm unsure if I continued the following year, but eventually, I stopped altogether. I felt Shiva had not granted my wishes. It took time to understand that perhaps he had, in a way that was right, if not for me, then for someone else.

This year, I've decided to fast again tomorrow. But this time, I won't ask for personal wishes. Instead, I'll ask Shiva to reveal his plans for me, to guide me. I want to see if this surrender, this acceptance, is the true wisdom I should be seeking. 

Ohm! Namah Shivay!!