Born to celebrate: A special day and a special me!!

Today, December 31st, is my birthday. It's incredible to think that God chose such a special day for me to enter the world – New Year's Eve. I would have been just hours old when the world erupted in celebration, welcoming the new year with fireworks and wishes.

I can only imagine the circumstances of my birth. My father was stationed in Guwahati at the time and couldn't be present. He arrived a week later. Sadly, both my grandfathers had passed away a year prior. I was the eldest on both my paternal and maternal sides. My mother, being the firstborn, and my father, the eldest surviving child, had prayed fervently for me. While they may have preferred a son, they were undoubtedly overjoyed to have a child after six years of marriage.

I have many brothers on both sides of my family, but few sisters. I often wish I had a cousin sister my age, someone to confide in and share my feelings with. Seeing my mother and aunt bond over their childhood memories, I long for the sisterly connection they share. Instead, I rely on my school and college friends for companionship and support.

I'm grateful to God for blessing me with such an unique birthday. It’s a day of celebration for everyone, regardless of their feelings towards me, whether they like me or not. Thank you God. 

Gada Chandi temple!!

Today, I visited Gada Chandi Temple for the first time. Please don't laugh at me for being a Cuttack resident who hadn't been there before. I truly believe that it's divine intervention that allows us to visit such sacred places. So, despite being a local, I hadn't had the opportunity to visit Gadachandi Temple until today. I felt a sense of joy and surprise when I suddenly found myself at this ancient and renowned temple.

As I stood before the divine presence of the Goddess, I was unsure of what to pray for or how to express my gratitude. My mind went blank, and I couldn't recall any specific prayers. So, I focused on the prayers inscribed at the temple. Nevertheless, I felt a profound sense of peace and tranquility, an inexplicable feeling that words cannot fully capture.

May the divine grace of the Goddess bless all.

A day of reminiscing!!

I reconnected with a college friend from my hometown today. The day we started college, I visited her home. There were only three of us from our native place in the entire college, and we three, along with our parents, moved into the hostel together.

She was my junior in school but my batchmate in engineering. I was surprised to learn that she had been divorced. I had always assumed she was unmarried. To make matters worse, she lost her younger brother last year. Life has been incredibly tough for her and her parents. Yet, she remained positive and cheerful.

It seems that life has taught our generation to smile, even during the darkest times. We spent hours reminiscing about our school and college days. On our way back, we visited our old school. I met my class teacher, Snehalata ma’am, and Pramodini ma’am. The school has changed dramatically over the past 25 years. A new block has been built, the playground has been renovated, and numerous statues have been added to the assembly area. The nostalgia was overwhelming, and we made plans to meet again on my next visit.

I wish I could visit more often and catch up with old friends. Life is truly enriched by these bonds. Nothing can replace the beautiful memories we’ve shared.

Sneha gifted me a handmade charm. She’s incredibly talented and creates professional-quality pieces. I’ve always admired her work on social media, and now I have one of her creations. I absolutely love it.

College friends reunited!!

I reconnected with Smaranika, my best friend from college. Thankfully, she held back her tears. Life has undoubtedly been a tough journey for her as a single parent, but she remains strong for her daughter.

Later, we met up with another college friend, Anu. We reminisced about our college days and hostel life, how we used to joke about how motherhood would change us. Ironically, not much has changed physically or mentally in the past 18-19 years. We still look and act much the same as we did back then.

It was a nostalgic moment, and I couldn't help but wish I could turn back time and relive those college da

ys.

Airport farewell!!

 The yearning in my soul

Desires a glimpse

Of that special face

That once held my heart

Will it bring joy or pain?

Tears or indifference?

I cannot foresee,

the outcome of this wish

Why here, in this airport,

Do I silently hope

For one final look

Into those familiar eyes?

I cannot fathom

But before my time ends,

I long to witness

Their gaze once more

Will they reflect happiness

Or sorrow's shadow?

Or will I encounter

A stranger's vacant stare?

Is it right or wrong

To dwell on such thoughts?

I still cannot discern

Perhaps I never truly believed

Our paths would diverge

Had someone hinted at the end,

I might have prepared my heart

A farewell, unspoken,

Haunts my memory.

I yearn for a chance

To say goodbye, one last time

Why does my heart remain so tender,

My mind so captivated by this wish?

I cannot quell its longing,

Nor comprehend its source.

The paradox of Belief!!

I recently watched a video of the legendary Ustad Zakir Hussain, who sadly passed away. In the video, he was masterfully playing the sound of Shiva's damru, accompanied by the resonance of a conch shell on his tabla.

Before his performance, he beautifully described the divine atmosphere of Kailash Parvat, where Shiva plays his damru, surrounded by his disciples playing conches and Ganesha watching over. His narration was simply captivating.

This is the true essence of faith: respecting and appreciating the beliefs of others, just as one would their own. In Odia culture, our prayers to Lord Jagannath are incomplete without mentioning Bhakta Salabega, a Muslim by birth but a devout devotee. Similarly, Dasia Bauri, a devotee whose coconut offering halts the chariot procession, and Manika Gauduni, to whom Jagannath gifted his ring, are revered.

Despite acknowledging these great devotees, we continue to discriminate. Why is it so difficult to accept that people of other faiths are human, just like us? Even after years of education that promotes inclusivity, we often cling to rigid orthodoxies and resist change. Why?

Great reformers like Raja Ram Mohan Roy and Ishwar Chandra Vidyasagar fought against such narrow-mindedness, yet we still hesitate to embrace their ideals.

Sometimes, I feel a surge of revolutionary spirit and question traditional beliefs. But I realize that true change can only come from within. Until people are ready to change themselves, I cannot force it upon them.

The parable of the chariot!!

 This is a story explained in Katha Upanishad. Here it goes as below,

Imagine a grand chariot, a symbol of the human body. Within this chariot, a wise and noble soul resides, the true self, the Atman. This soul is the ultimate passenger, the silent observer of the journey.

Guiding this chariot is a skilled charioteer, the intellect, or Buddhi. With a steady hand, the charioteer holds the reins, representing the mind, or Manas. These reins control the powerful horses, symbolizing the five senses. The senses, like spirited steeds, are constantly pulling in different directions, drawn to the alluring sights, sounds, tastes, smells, and touches of the world.

The path the chariot traverses is the world itself, filled with countless distractions and temptations. The charioteer must navigate this path with wisdom and discernment, ensuring the horses remain focused and the chariot stays on course.

A wise charioteer understands the true nature of the self and the impermanent nature of the world. They recognize that the soul is not bound by the body or the senses. It is a divine spark, pure and eternal.

The goal of the journey is to transcend the limitations of the physical body and the mind. By cultivating self-awareness and controlling the senses, the soul can break free from the cycle of rebirth and attain liberation.

The parable of the chariot teaches us that true happiness and fulfillment lie not in the pursuit of worldly pleasures, but in the realization of our true nature. By understanding the intricate relationship between the self, the mind, and the senses, we can embark on a journey of self-discovery and spiritual enlighten

ment.

Alpana's

 Some more Alpana's that I did long back. 

हृदय की पुकार!!

 

दिल में जलन, आँखों में नमी,

जीना हुआ है मुश्किल, कमी।

युवावस्था में ही छोड़ा जीवन,

क्यों नहीं मिलती मुझे ये शांति निंद्रा?

दूसरों की खुशी, मेरा कर्तव्य,

अपनी चाहतें, बस एक व्यर्थ कल्पना।

बंधनों में बंधी, मैं उड़ नहीं पाती,

मन ही मन में, मैं रोती, हँसती।

कृतज्ञ होना चाहिए, ये मैं जानती,

परंतु मन उदास, आँखें नम सी रहतीं।

स्वयं के लिए कुछ करना, बस एक ख्वाब,

दुःख की गहराइयों में, खोई रहती हूँ अब।

  

A question for the ages: To obey or not to obey!!

Hiranyakashipu, a demonic king, had a son named Prahlada, renowned for his unwavering devotion to Lord Vishnu. Prahlada's son, Virochana, was, unfortunately, a demon. Virochana's son, Mahabali, however, was another great devotee.

A young boy, perhaps a descendant of this lineage, once pondered a profound question. He asked his father, "Shri Rama, revered as Purushottam, obeyed his father, King Dasharatha. Prahlada, on the other hand, defied his father, Hiranyakashipu, and is celebrated for his devotion to Lord Vishnu. Should I, then, obey you or follow my own path of devotion?"

The father, faced with this logical query, responded with a touch of irony. "We do not live in the Satya Yuga or Treta Yuga, my son. We are in the Kali Yuga. Therefore, it is best for both of us to listen to your mother."

The Devine Feminine Power: Story of Maa Lakshmi!!

Mata Lakshmi, a Revolutionary Figure

Mata Lakshmi is revered for her revolutionary spirit, having challenged many traditional customs. The Margashira Masa Gurubar puja is a testament to her legacy.

Legend has it that she sought Lord Jagannath's permission to visit any place on this sacred day. She chose to visit the humble abode of a low-caste woman who worshiped her with deep devotion. By doing so, she championed equality and demonstrated that divine grace is not confined to a particular caste. True devotion, coupled with good character, can elevate anyone, regardless of their social standing.

When ostracized, Mata Lakshmi temporarily withdrew her divine powers from her husband to highlight his shortcomings. She even compelled Lord Jagannath and Balabhadra to recognize their mistakes and rectify them.

This powerful narrative serves as a timeless reminder of the fight against caste discrimination. It emphasizes the importance of interpersonal skills, hygiene, and spirituality. Moreover, it showcases the profound influence a woman can exert within a household, challenging patriarchal norms.

Margashira Masa Gurubar -Last Thursday!!

 Today is the last Thursday of Margashira Masa. The purnima being on coming Sunday. So, this festival for this year 2024 is going to be over today. Maa Lakshmi will be worshipped across Odisha and at all homes of Odia people outside of Odisha too. 

Today is 12-12. An unique number for this month. Seeking Maa's blessings in our life. 

Here, is a few pictures of Alpana by me for today's puja. 

The year of acceptance!!

 The year was full of surprises, both good and bad. It showed me that life doesn't always go as planned. Sometimes things happen that we don't want, and sometimes things we really want don't happen.

Happy times and sad times don't last forever. People can come and go, no matter how close we are to them. But some people stay, even when things aren't perfect.

The biggest lesson I learned is that I have to rely on myself. If I don't take care of myself, no one else will.

This year felt like a repeat of 2010-11. I experienced the same pain and loneliness, even though I was surrounded by people. I found myself thinking about the past and remembering good times.

I kept asking myself the same questions, over and over again. I realized that I will always miss what I lost years ago. Even though I know it doesn't help, I still miss that special bond.

I know I'm a very emotional person and I'll have to deal with these feelings. It's a tough reality, but it's who I am. I cried a lot, just like I did in 2010.

Some years are so similar, it's hard to forget them. Life goes on, but losing someone dear can affect you at any time. That's what I've learned.

Nachiketa's Quest for Truth!!

 The Katha Upanishad is one of the most beloved and widely studied Upanishads, known for its profound philosophical insights and the captivating story of Nachiketa and Yama, the god of death.

The Story of Nachiketa

The story begins with a sage named Vajasravas, who performs a grand sacrifice (yajna) to appease the gods. As part of the ritual, he offers gifts to the priests, but among them are some old, infirm cows, deemed unfit for any practical use. His young and inquisitive son, Nachiketa, notices this and is troubled by the thought that his father might be incurring sin by offering such worthless gifts.

Nachiketa confronts his father, asking to whom he intends to offer him as a gift. His father, initially angered, eventually agrees to offer his son to Yama, the god of death.

Nachiketa, undeterred, journeys to the abode of Yama. When he arrives, Yama is absent, and Nachiketa patiently waits for three days. Impressed by the boy's unwavering determination and his thirst for knowledge, Yama grants him three boons.

The Three Boons

For his first boon, Nachiketa asks for the well-being of his father. Yama grants this wish.

For his second boon, Nachiketa requests the knowledge of the sacred fire sacrifice, which Yama imparts to him.

For his third and final boon, Nachiketa asks for the ultimate knowledge, the knowledge of the Self or Atman, the true nature of reality. This request surprises Yama, as it is a profound question that even the gods ponder. However, recognizing Nachiketa's sincerity, Yama agrees to reveal this profound truth.

The Revelation of the Atman

Yama imparts to Nachiketa the knowledge of the Atman, the eternal, indestructible Self that resides within every being. He explains that the Atman is the ultimate reality, beyond the reach of death and suffering. It is the source of all knowledge and bliss.

The Katha Upanishad goes on to explore the nature of the Atman, the path to liberation (moksha), and the importance of self-realization. It emphasizes the need to transcend the limitations of the physical body and mind to attain the eternal bliss of the Atman.

The Significance of the Story

The story of Nachiketa and Yama is more than just a captivating tale. It symbolizes the human quest for ultimate truth and the divine grace that guides seekers on their spiritual path. Nachiketa's unwavering determination and his thirst for knowledge serve as an inspiration for all those who seek to understand the mysteries of existence.

The Katha Upanishad, through its profound teachings and the engaging narrative of Nachiketa's journey, invites us to delve deep into the nature of reality and to embark on our own spiritual quest for liberation.

Mokshada Ekadashi and it's Significance!!

Mokshada Ekadashi, also known as Gita Jayanti, holds immense significance for Hindus as it marks the day Lord Krishna imparted the profound wisdom of the Bhagavad Gita to Arjuna on the battlefield of Kurukshetra. This sacred text, a timeless guide to life's spiritual journey, was revealed on this auspicious day.

Mokshada Ekadashi is observed on the eleventh lunar day (Ekadashi) during the bright fortnight (Shukla Paksha) of the Hindu month of Margashirsha. The word "Mokshada" signifies liberation or salvation, highlighting the spiritual significance of this day.

The Story Behind Mokshada Ekadashi

Legend has it that a devout king, deeply grieved by the suffering of his father in the afterlife, sought guidance from a sage. The sage advised him to observe Mokshada Ekadashi with utmost devotion, believing that the merits accrued from this sacred fast could liberate his father from the cycle of birth and death.

The king, along with his family, embraced the fast with unwavering faith. Their devotion pleased Lord Vishnu, who granted salvation to the king's father and blessed the entire family with eternal bliss.

The Significance of Observing Mokshada Ekadashi

 * Salvation and Liberation: Mokshada Ekadashi is considered highly auspicious for attaining moksha, the ultimate liberation from the cycle of birth and death.

 * Spiritual Enlightenment: Observing this fast and studying the Bhagavad Gita can lead to profound spiritual enlightenment and inner peace.

 * Divine Blessings: Devotees who worship Lord Vishnu with sincere devotion on this day are believed to receive His divine blessings and protection.

 * Purification of the Soul: The fast purifies the soul, removing sins and negative karma accumulated over lifetimes.

Rituals and Practices

On Mokshada Ekadashi, devotees typically observe a strict fast, abstaining from food and water for the entire day. Some may choose to consume only fruits and water.

 * Early Morning Rituals:

   * Wake up before sunrise and take a holy bath.

   * Cleanse the home and worship area.

   * Offer prayers to Lord Vishnu and recite the Vishnu Sahasranama.

   * Chant the Bhagavad Gita or listen to its recitation.

 * Evening Rituals:

   * Break the fast after sunset with fruits and light vegetarian food.

   * Offer prayers and gratitude to Lord Vishnu.

By observing Mokshada Ekadashi with sincere devotion, one can pave the way for spiritual liberation and eternal bliss.

Your path, your choice!!

 Life's a journey, full of choices, big and small.

Each path has its challenges, a rise and fall.

You can choose the easy road, or the harder way,

But remember, every choice shapes your day.

You can stay single, or find a mate,

Both paths have joy, and both meet fate.

You can eat healthy, or indulge your desire,

Your body's the temple, set it on fire.

You can save your money, or spend it with glee,

Financial freedom, sets your spirit free.

You can learn new things, or stick to the old,

Knowledge is power, a story untold.

You can dream big, or settle for less,

The choice is yours, to put it to the test.

You can let go of toxic folks, or stay and mend,

Your peace of mind, is worth every end.

So choose your path, with courage and might,

Shape your destiny, shining ever bright.

Duality of divine manifestation!!

 This is taken from the teachings of Mata Ji Pravjika Divyanandaprana. 

In ancient times, a unique cloth dyer resided in a bustling village market. Unlike his peers who possessed multiple vats of vibrant dyes, this dyer had only one. Yet, he possessed an extraordinary ability: he could color any cloth in any hue or pattern, simply by immersing it in his singular vat.

People marveled at his magic. Some would request a specific color, while others would leave the choice to the dyer. Regardless of the request, the cloth would emerge, perfectly dyed.

Swami Ramakrishna Paramhansa employed this parable to illuminate the dual nature of God: the Saguna and the Nirguna. The Saguna aspect represents God with form and attributes, while the Nirguna aspect signifies the formless, attributeless Absolute. When we pray to God for specific desires, we are invoking the Saguna form, much like requesting a particular color from the dyer. When we surrender to God's will, we are tapping into the Nirguna form, akin to accepting whatever color the dyer chooses.

Swami Brahmananda further expanded on this concept, likening the dyer's vat to the human mind. By purifying and calming the mind, we can manifest our desires, just as the dyer could produce any color from his single vat.

Thus, the parable teaches us a profound lesson: our thoughts shape our reality. By cultivating positive and elevated thoughts, we can attract positive experiences and manifest our highest aspirations.

A Tapestry of Life!!

Look at these tiny seeds clinging to the palm trees. It's astounding how such minuscule beginnings give rise to towering giants. These trees, rooted in the earth, stand tall and silent, enduring the passage of time. They produce oxygen, nourishing countless creatures, and offer fruits as sustenance. Even as they support the growth of climbers that draw sustenance from them, they remain steadfast.

It's a testament to the divine design that these trees, in their quiet service, contribute to the flourishing of life. They anchor the soil, temper the wind, and provide the essential elements for survival. This intricate balance, where one creature sustains another, is a universal truth.

We, too, play a role in this cosmic dance. Our lives are marked by both joy and sorrow, as we often receive not what we desire, but what we truly need. Our purpose, once fulfilled, gives way to the next. It's a poignant reminder of the cyclical nature of existence.

Unruly Tears!!

Tears fall endlessly, a constant flow,

Though mornings start with hope, it’s not so.

A few short hours, and longing takes hold,

A heavy heart, a story yet untold.

For years I’ve hidden, emotions restrained,

Unprepared for the pain, the heartache sustained.

Letting go’s promise, a distant sight,

A yearning embrace, lost in the night.

Words left unspoken, feelings concealed,

A heart burdened, its truth revealed.

Overwhelmed by sadness, a stormy sea,

I struggle to find peace, wild and free.

Why must I stifle, these feelings so deep?

A creature of emotion, secrets I keep.

A child of the heavens, divinely made,

Today’s sorrow, a mournful shade.

Lost in the darkness, a mournful sight,

Tears endlessly falling, day and night.

A yearning for release!!

Why do I yearn for understanding’s grace?

Why do I seek solutions, lost in space?

A restless mind, a soul in pain,

A prisoner of thoughts, again and again.

Why does letting go seem such a strife?

Why do I cling to memories, a fading life?

Yearning for chances, lost in time’s cruel hand,

A simple wish for a life, peaceful and planned.

A mind tormented, a spirit subdued,

A vision obscured, a future unviewed.

A heavy price for the gift of breath,

A life of longing, a dance with death.

A heart adrift, a soul forlorn,

A quest for peace, a hope withdrawn.

Unreachable dreams, a futile chase,

A weary mind, a desolate space.

Who will soothe this troubled soul?

Who will make my spirit whole?

A silent plea, a heartfelt sigh,

A wish for peace, a wish to die.

जीने के लिए सोचा ही नहीं दर्द संभल ने होंगे !!

 उस मोड़ पर खड़ी है ज़िन्दगी

जीने की चाह नहीं

पर न मरने की मजबूरी है !!

अब जेसे भी कटनी है 

जल्दी कट जा यह ज़िन्दगी 

अब और घिसने की चाहत नहीं !!

Purpose in life!!

I feel a deep sense of purpose, a higher calling that I can’t quite define. Perhaps my potential is greater than I realize. I’m aware of God’s presence, guiding me even when my intentions are misguided. It’s perplexing how my missteps often lead to positive outcomes. Could it be that I’m meant to redirect situations for the benefit of others?

I sometimes believe God has placed me in a broken family to cultivate empathy. It’s easy to love and forgive those with minor flaws, but loving and forgiving those who constantly need it is a true test. Perhaps this is my ultimate purpose: to love, forgive, and bring out the best (or worst) in them, while detaching myself from their approval or gratitude.

Life is a journey towards our highest potential. Learning to let go of the outcomes of our efforts, whether success or failure, is essential. It’s a long road, but one I’m committed to taking, regardless of my final destination.

In the garden of now!!

 

Oh, restless mind, can’t you cease?

This moment’s beauty, a fleeting peace.

A twilight’s hush, a gentle breeze,

Yet your thoughts wander, wild and free.

No perfect life, no wish fulfilled,

Perhaps a blessing, a hidden yield.

This present moment, a precious sight,

A gift unknown, a pure delight.

So let us savor, this evening’s grace,

Nature’s beauty, a serene space.

Feel the air, a gentle kiss,

Gaze at the sky, a boundless bliss.

Oh, weary mind, let’s find our rest,

In this sweet moment, truly blessed.

The Failure of Empathy : Introspection !!

"We live in a world where challenges are commonplace. When faced with adversity, we often attribute it to divine tests for ourselves and the consequences of past actions(karmas) when it happens to someone else. 

Isn't this a rather callous perspective? Do we consciously or unconsciously engage in such thinking? How self-centered are we as humans? Why are we unable to genuinely empathize with the suffering of others, but instead, find ourselves, sometimes, laughing at their pain? Why does our intellect hinder us from being more compassionate and kind? What prevents us from being better? Is this a true reflection of our inner selves?"

Time for genuine introspection?? 

Tiny Treasures!!

A splash of pink, a hidden sight,

A tiny flower, bathed in light.

Atop a stem, so slender, fine,

A jewel of nature, so divine.

With petals soft, like velvet's touch,

And colors bright, so very much.

It blooms unseen, in hidden place,

A secret beauty, full of grace.

Beside it stands, a burst of yellow,

A trumpet flower, tall and mellow.

Its petals bright, like sunshine's gleam,

A joyful sight, in nature's dream.

So small and fragile, yet so strong,

A symbol of hope, where it belongs.

They remind us all, to take a pause,

And find the beauty, in nature's cause.

Margashira Masa Gurubar Day 2!!

 See my alpana for today. 

Nature's embrace!!

 A row of palm trees, champa flowers bloom,

A beautiful sight, dispelling gloom.

Tiny yellow flowers, a pink border's grace,

This is my home, a peaceful place.

Modern comforts, gardens green and bright,

Fill my heart with joy, morning, noon, and night.

Children's laughter, elders' gentle pace,

A friendly neighborhood, a heartwarming space.

Nature's beauty, a gift from above,

Fills my soul with peace and endless love.

When worries arise, and hope starts to fade,

Nature's embrace lifts my spirit, unafraid.

An unheard plea!!

 Kalpana's arranged marriage to a high-ranking government official was a union filled with love and spiritual devotion. Her world blossomed further with the birth of her daughter, followed by a son. Yet, beneath this seemingly perfect facade, a silent torment gnawed at her soul.

Her husband, though deeply affectionate, refused to consider using contraception. The result was a series of unwanted pregnancies, each followed by a heart-wrenching abortion. These repeated procedures took a devastating toll on her physical and mental well-being. Despite her suffering, her husband remained unyielding, leaving her trapped in a cycle of pain and despair.

Kalpana was caught in a cruel dilemma. She yearned to protect the innocent lives growing within her, yet she was powerless to stop the forced terminations. The weight of these decisions, coupled with the constant reliance on medication, transformed her once vibrant spirit. Her body grew heavy, her movements sluggish, and her once simple joys became distant memories.

The question lingers: Would her fate have been different if her partner had understood her feelings, her fears, and her desires? Why was her plea for bodily autonomy, for the right to choose, dismissed? Was it merely because she was a woman?

Her story is a poignant reminder of the enduring struggle for women's rights, a battle against societal norms that often prioritize the desires of men over the well-being of women.

A blessed life!!

 I feel blessed to have been born on December 31,

A day when the world celebrates and looks forward to a bright future.

I am grateful for the equal opportunities I receive,

Just like my brothers.

I take pride in having topped my class,

Making my parents proud and feeling unique.

I’m thankful that I could leave my first job,

Passing it to someone who needed it more than I did.

I am fortunate to have worked at leading companies,

Surrounded by wonderful colleagues.

I’ve learned so much from those I know

And from those I have yet to meet.

I am blessed to love deeply,

And I am thankful that I have not caused emotional pain.

I’m grateful that I have never turned away from those in need,

Choosing instead to offer support to everyone around me.

I feel blessed to have endured three times the pain

Just to bring one little child into the world.

I appreciate the mentors I’ve had,

Even those who are far away,

Who continue to guide me in their own way.

Everyone I’ve met has taught me something,

Regardless of whether they liked me or not.

I’m not lucky; I am truly blessed.

This is who I am and what I have achieved.

I cannot show it through certificates or possessions,

But it lives in my heart.

December and the year coming to an end!!

 This year is coming to an end and we reached December finally. As every year this will end with my birthday being 31st of December. 

Well I have long list of things to do before my birthday this year. However, I also have a strange feeling and realisation that I and my mind will hurt me if I live long.

 Somehow, I just want to meet everyone I love and wish that I should not live long.  It's not like I don't have goals or I don't have any responsibility. I do have but my realisation says, every year same seasons will come, same mundane life will be there. I will try to make it interesting but everyday as I go back to bed my mind will drag me to things that I can't have. 

I don't know why but God has taken something that I thought I could live without but in past couple of years have realised it's a big thing. Longing to have something which is not mine is such a selfish thing and I don't want to be that selfish. I can't be that selfish. I am grateful that God made me strong enough to accept it but at the same time I feel sad that I am unable to control my mind. 

May be I should remain very busy and be able to concentrate only on things that belong to my present and future. But, it is not easy for me and I am being the reason behind my pain.  I have learnt to mask it so well that nobody knows my pain anymore. Each day I do my duty with love in my heart with faith that God knows my pain. But, still somehow I am loosing interest to live. 

What is left for me to do?? Yes, might be there is something that I could and only I could do. But, the zeal to live, the zeal to see bigger picture and to achieve anything is diminishing in me. I know my responsibilities are there but anyway it will never end or it will end when my child is grown up and finally lives me for higher studies or his occupation. A mother's duty never ends... May be my desire not to live is selfish for my child. 

But, sometimes I feel like fighting my own mind, correcting my own mindset to let me be in right spirit. How long can I do that and how to I change my circumstances to be so busy that I do not have time to think. 

They say a free mind is the worst enemy so is mine. I am not in a bad mood today but I am trying to write what goes on inside me at this age. This should ideally happen in a later stage of life. But, I am having this feeling from a few years now. I silently pray that my pain just goes and it will happen the day I finally return to where I came from. How can this happen as I so wish it to happen.

 Is this also being selfish? Can god give me a better reason to wish to live. I don't know. Do I only feel like this or others my age also feel the same. How to cope with it.. I have no answer. May be if I am able to find another path I would wish to live but at my current situation I hardly wish that. 

I am all thankful that God gave me the ability to express myself atleast here. Or else it just keeps popping up inside my heart and mind. One last wish to meet my friends and family. Do I not know the art of living? What is wrong with me?? I don't know, but as I accept my feelings.. I wish it ends peacefully. I don't know what to pray or wish now. I am just feeling like a bird in a cage and the cage is my current life. 

Forgive me god if this is against your wish. But, it's my current state and I am just trying to explain myself to you. Hope you will understand me as I don't see anyone who could understand me. I am ready to accept what you have for me.