December and the year coming to an end!!

 This year is coming to an end and we reached December finally. As every year this will end with my birthday being 31st of December. 

Well I have long list of things to do before my birthday this year. However, I also have a strange feeling and realisation that I and my mind will hurt me if I live long.

 Somehow, I just want to meet everyone I love and wish that I should not live long.  It's not like I don't have goals or I don't have any responsibility. I do have but my realisation says, every year same seasons will come, same mundane life will be there. I will try to make it interesting but everyday as I go back to bed my mind will drag me to things that I can't have. 

I don't know why but God has taken something that I thought I could live without but in past couple of years have realised it's a big thing. Longing to have something which is not mine is such a selfish thing and I don't want to be that selfish. I can't be that selfish. I am grateful that God made me strong enough to accept it but at the same time I feel sad that I am unable to control my mind. 

May be I should remain very busy and be able to concentrate only on things that belong to my present and future. But, it is not easy for me and I am being the reason behind my pain.  I have learnt to mask it so well that nobody knows my pain anymore. Each day I do my duty with love in my heart with faith that God knows my pain. But, still somehow I am loosing interest to live. 

What is left for me to do?? Yes, might be there is something that I could and only I could do. But, the zeal to live, the zeal to see bigger picture and to achieve anything is diminishing in me. I know my responsibilities are there but anyway it will never end or it will end when my child is grown up and finally lives me for higher studies or his occupation. A mother's duty never ends... May be my desire not to live is selfish for my child. 

But, sometimes I feel like fighting my own mind, correcting my own mindset to let me be in right spirit. How long can I do that and how to I change my circumstances to be so busy that I do not have time to think. 

They say a free mind is the worst enemy so is mine. I am not in a bad mood today but I am trying to write what goes on inside me at this age. This should ideally happen in a later stage of life. But, I am having this feeling from a few years now. I silently pray that my pain just goes and it will happen the day I finally return to where I came from. How can this happen as I so wish it to happen.

 Is this also being selfish? Can god give me a better reason to wish to live. I don't know. Do I only feel like this or others my age also feel the same. How to cope with it.. I have no answer. May be if I am able to find another path I would wish to live but at my current situation I hardly wish that. 

I am all thankful that God gave me the ability to express myself atleast here. Or else it just keeps popping up inside my heart and mind. One last wish to meet my friends and family. Do I not know the art of living? What is wrong with me?? I don't know, but as I accept my feelings.. I wish it ends peacefully. I don't know what to pray or wish now. I am just feeling like a bird in a cage and the cage is my current life. 

Forgive me god if this is against your wish. But, it's my current state and I am just trying to explain myself to you. Hope you will understand me as I don't see anyone who could understand me. I am ready to accept what you have for me.