Every parent believes they treat their children equally. In reality, we treat them according to their needs, strengths, and weaknesses. One child may be naturally organized and responsible; another may be flighty and lazy. We tailor our requests and our expectations to align them with a "bigger picture."
The inherent flaw in this approach is that while the intent is fair, the perception is often devastating, especially for the eldest. We are not balancing love; we are balancing burdens.
The Unspoken Role of the Eldest
The eldest child often becomes the Parenting Beta-Tester. They are the training wheels for our parental journey. They witness our evolution, but ironically, they receive less of the unburdened, joyful, new-parent pampering that the younger ones benefit from.
We unknowingly hand them the mantle of responsibility early on, creating a powerful, unspoken contract: "Your love is tied to your self-sufficiency."
I know this wound intimately.
I recall an incident from my childhood when my brother and I were struggling to adapt to a new city where the local language dialects were harsh. We were both facing criticism from classmates, but I, being the elder one, bottled my resentment. My brother, in 4th grade, could not.
One day, we got into a fight, likely fueled by the external stress we were both absorbing. To resolve the chaos, my mother, in a moment of misguided exhaustion, told my brother to hit me.
He slapped me so hard that my gum started bleeding.
I don’t recall the subject of the fight, but the ultimate lesson I learned was crystal clear: My brother's feelings were more important than my physical safety, and my emotional resilience was assumed. Unknowingly, my mother had told me, "I love your brother more."
The wound inflicted by that moment was not the bleeding gum; it was the psychological instruction that my pain should be hidden.
About a year later, I slipped and fell down five or six steps of a school staircase, badly injuring my spinal cord. I struggled to change my clothes when I got home. My mother came to check on me, but I simply sent her away. I never told anyone. To this day, my family does not know I faced that severe injury.
That is the consequence of asking a child to be "responsible" too early: They learn that their only value lies in their ability to endure and manage their pain alone. They grow up equating responsibility with silence.
Parents, you might be loving both children equally, but do your children feel the same?
The child who carries the stress of responsibility often misses out on the fundamental need to be pampered and simply seen as vulnerable. The younger child gets the added benefit of their elder sibling’s emotional scaffolding and the parents’ learned wisdom.
To fix this imbalance, we must use an unconventional approach:
Stop Asking for Resilience: Stop telling the eldest to "be responsible," "set an example," or "be the bigger person." Instead, tell the younger one, "Your elder sibling needs a break; today, you are responsible for the dinner plates."
Mandate Pampering: Designate specific, recurring moments for the eldest that have zero connection to duty or performance. A special, quiet "date" with the parent, or a dedicated, no-task-required cuddle session. Make them feel valued for who they are, not what they manage.
Validate the Burden: Acknowledge their role: "I know we ask a lot of you because you are so capable, and that is not always fair. Thank you for carrying that for us. How can I carry something for you today?"
Let us ensure that both children grow up whole—one not stressed by premature responsibility, and the other not enjoying a stress-free existence built entirely on their sibling's endurance.
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