Once, someone told me, "You just need a friend." It hurt me deeply because, throughout my childhood, my parents moved from place to place, and I never had a friend who would stay with me forever. Perhaps that's why I value friendship differently than my peers.
As a child, I was never jealous of anyone for their clothes, bags, or toys; rather, I envied their friendships. I longed for a friend whom I could hold onto for life. While I am not generally a jealous person, this desire always left me feeling sad, especially when I realized I was the only one in my peer group who lacked a close friend. I made acquaintances wherever I went, but they never considered me their best friend because they had formed bonds with others long before I arrived.
When I entered engineering school, I was hopeful that I would find the friends I had always wanted, as everyone would be from different backgrounds and willing to forge new friendships. I was excited about fulfilling that part of my life. I was happy to meet my roommate, whom I thought would be a great friend. However, just a month into the semester, I fell ill.
The doctors asked me questions such as What do I study? Who are my friends? and about my excitement for college. They seemed pleased when I answered positively to all their inquiries.
However, when my first semester results came in, I saw the true colors of these friends, and my heart sank. I retreated once again into the world of books, finding solace in the friends I had known since childhood.
During my depressive phases, I withdrew and became an introvert. I struggled to express my pain or to reach out for help from those around me. Instead, I managed to navigate through it all with my faith in God.
Now, in my 40s, someone still mocks me for valuing "FRIENDSHIP." I don't expect grand gestures from anyone—just a friend. Is it really so difficult for anyone to offer me that? I don't understand why people undervalue friendship.
I believe that all relationships stem from friendship. Isn’t that true? God, then why didn’t you let me have a friend for life? Did I request something so monumental that it couldn’t be fulfilled by your mercy and grace?
Where can I go to share my feelings? How can I express my pain without being ridiculed for my simple desires? Why haven’t you chosen to give me someone with similar values to my own?
It’s challenging for me to settle for less in all aspects of life while trying to accept everything with grace. Still, I keep my faith in you and hope that you will bring me to a better and happier place where I can truly be myself.
Yet, I struggle to articulate my pain, as I wonder to whom I should write. You know my thoughts, and this world isn’t kind to those who are struggling. It knows how to break you further when you are weak and trying to regain your strength. Such is the typical human psychology that I find impossible to ignore.
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