A world of extreme: from murder to Johastu!!

"This morning, a news story struck me deeply. A mother, driven to the unthinkable act of killing her three children to pursue a relationship with a former classmate, left me profoundly unsettled. It's precisely this kind of report that makes me retreat from the news, seeking solace only in the editorial section's familiar columns.

This incident dredged up a memory from my time in Jamalpur: another mother, also with three children, who murdered her husband. The method was chilling – poison followed by a railway rail laid across his throat, all orchestrated with her lover. I used to judge such acts with a harsh certainty. Now, I find myself judging the circumstances, the desperate, unfulfilled desires that might push someone to such extremes. I recall reading about lionesses, how postpartum depression can drive them to kill and consume their own cubs.

The sheer intensity of such mental strain is almost incomprehensible. What could possibly drive someone to such a point? While I can't justify these actions, I recognize that we all navigate periods of profound vulnerability.

Who among us welcomes rejection, persistent failure, debilitating illness, or crushing financial instability? We all yearn for happiness, yet it's not a universal experience. When life offers even a sliver of contentment, maintaining composure and gratitude is easier. But when life throws every conceivable hardship at once, the mind can fracture, leading to desperate, irrational actions.

In Japan, they have a practice called "Johatsu," meaning evaporation. People disappear from their lives, often due to financial ruin, personal failure, or social shame. The Japanese system, police generally doesn't pursue missing adults unless a crime is suspected. This concept of starting anew, of seeking a fresh beginning, stands in stark contrast to the tragic finality of the news I read. Why couldn't our systems, our very minds, offer such an escape, such a path to renewal, for everyone? Why must people die with their desires unfulfilled? Why can't everyone attain the dreams they dare to envision and work towards?

Sometimes, I find myself wishing that the very concept of unattainable dreams could be erased from our consciousness. What is the purpose of longing for something that will forever remain out of reach, a mirage? The realization of its impossibility is a crushing blow.

The disparity in life's fortunes – the inexplicable ease for some, the relentless hardship for others – remains a mystery. We are left to navigate these phases, both the joyful and the painful, seemingly without true agency. How, then, does one thrive in such a world, sustain joy, and cultivate excitement?"

Rest, Ghibli and the AI dilemma!!

 

"The past week, though intensely busy, proved surprisingly beneficial. The constant activity effectively quieted my usually restless mind, validating the adage that staying occupied prevents dwelling on the past or future. I found solace in work, as it shielded me from the negativity my mind tends to conjure.

Today, I've allowed myself a day of rest, indulging in some leisurely activities and preparing my favorite dishes. I also experimented with converting a photograph to a Ghibli-inspired style, which I'll share.

While the capabilities of AI are undeniably fascinating and at times, captivating, I remain ambivalent. Like any technological advancement, it presents both advantages and disadvantages. There's a concern that it may diminish the value of traditional animation and artistic skill, potentially overshadowing the unique creative output of human imagination in literature and art.

Though AI is a product of human ingenuity, it also poses a threat to livelihoods across various industries, and may contribute to a future generation facing complex, AI-related challenges.

I find myself grappling with these conflicting perspectives."

What speck of sand taught me about emotional pain!!

 Two days ago, while bringing my child home, a speck of sand got into my eye and wouldn't come out. Despite my efforts to clean it, my eye continued to hurt. This morning, I woke up unable to open it.

This experience with such a minuscule irritant has made me reflect on life's challenges. Just like this sensitive eye is easily aggravated by a small particle, our most vulnerable parts can be deeply wounded by seemingly small things. The discomfort can linger far longer than expected.

Just as the sand in my eye, seemingly a minor annoyance, has caused considerable distress, so too can the actions or inactions of others impact our mental well-being. What might appear trivial can create deep and lasting mental strain, much like an ant's presence in an elephant's ear can lead to significant agitation. Ultimately, no one should have to endure such unnecessary emotional pain.

Reflection on past and future!!

 "Imagine pleasing two versions of yourself: the wide-eyed 8-year-old and the reflective 80-year-old. They're both watching, every day.

This led me to ponder: what would my 8-year-old self have truly wanted? Likely, a simple dream—a doctor, an engineer—without grasping the depth of those paths. Later, my aspirations narrowed: financial independence, a job to call my own. I never chased grand ambitions, just a secure life. Yet, I yearned for a partner with the drive I lacked.

Why this disparity? Perhaps my subconscious, shaped by observing my parents, limited my own vision. I suspect my 8-year-old wouldn't be too disappointed with where I am now. But my 80-year-old self? That's a different story.

Impressing her will demand more. It will require actions I can't yet conceive. Will I rise to the challenge? Or will I succumb to the feeling of self-sacrifice, prioritizing others' needs over my own? This is the daily lesson life seems determined to teach, but I refuse to accept it as my final narrative."

Silly unfulfilled wishes!!

"Last year, after a long period of neglect, I rediscovered my favorite number. Today, it appeared as my OTP. A strange, serendipitous start to my evening. I find myself wishing it would appear again, in a specific, desired context.

This is another one of my seemingly insignificant, unnecessary wishes. Why do I cling to these fleeting desires? Perhaps this is what turning forty feels like—a sense of time slipping away, wishes left unfulfilled. We prioritize necessities, letting our dreams fade, only to realize later that some may never materialize.

It feels as if I'm subconsciously preparing for mortality, wanting to fulfill these small wishes to avoid future regrets. Responsibilities have overshadowed my desires, yet I know even in death, some responsibilities, especially motherhood, will remain incomplete.

The thought of leaving my young, dependent child is profoundly unsettling. Motherhood is a lifelong commitment, and its abrupt end would be the most difficult. While other responsibilities might be left behind without regret, this one is different.

Ultimately, fate will guide me. My path is beyond my control. So, what truly remains within our grasp? Perhaps, nothing at all."

Holi memories :- remembering the joy!!

 The vibrant hues of Holi, the festival of colors, suddenly flooded my mind this afternoon. I found myself reminiscing about my favorite Holi celebrations, and two distinct memories stood out.

First, there was the Holi in Jamalpur, Bihar. Our host family had extended a warm invitation for lunch, and the feast was truly spectacular.  The table overflowed with traditional delicacies: gujiya, malpua, sattu, luchi, sabji, and thandai. Many of these dishes were new to me, as they weren't commonly prepared in my home state. Intriguingly, each dish had two versions – one plain, and the other laced with bhaang.

As children, we were strictly forbidden from tasting the bhaang-infused treats. My curiosity, however, was piqued. I longed for just a tiny taste, but lacked the courage to ask. We joined in the Holi festivities with family and friends, thoroughly enjoying the vibrant atmosphere. The Bihari style of celebration was unique, featuring rhythmic dhol beats. The women, who had been busy preparing the feast since morning, joined the revelry around noon. The color play culminated in a playful mud session, a custom that was perhaps not my favorite, but certainly a part of their tradition. My lingering desire to sample bhaang remains unfulfilled, a small, whimsical regret.

Then, there was the unforgettable Holi of my final year of engineering.  Only a handful of us girls remained in the hostel, the others having departed for various courses. We decided to celebrate with a spirited water fight, armed with buckets. It was a chaotic, joyous farewell to our hostel days. The corridors were awash with water as we chased each other, gleefully drenching anyone within reach.  A particularly hilarious incident involved a classmate taking a shower. Another friend, unaware, pushed the bathroom door, causing it to burst open. The shared laughter that followed echoed through the hostel.

This year, unfortunately, I was unwell and unable to participate in our society's celebrations. My husband had work, and my son was hesitant to join, fearing he might catch my illness. So, our Holi was limited to enjoying the traditional sweets.  But, as the saying goes, "relive those old memories a zillion times," and that's exactly what I've done today.

Happy Holi!

Building bridges in time!!

 The relentless march of time, an equal measure for all, propels us inevitably towards our end. Though we know death is certain, our minds often resist using the present wisely. But perhaps, this realization itself is the first step towards change.

Regret weighs heavily on me, a deep sorrow for the time I squandered with those I loved. My mentor, Melissa, initially seemed distant, testing my patience and withholding opportunities. For a year, this continued, then slowly, she began to open up. She became a source of invaluable guidance, sharing life lessons during our calls, shaping me into a mentor myself. I planned to call her, but then, she was gone. A birthday voicemail, a precious gift discovered in my work files, is all that remains. I cherish it, just as I cherish the videos that preserve my father's voice. These fragments are all I have of moments that have vanished. But within those fragments, I find a powerful reminder: love endures, lessons remain, and the impact of connection transcends time.

If only I had known those were my last moments, I would have held them closer, hugged them tighter. Now, all that remains are the memories, replayed endlessly in my mind. Yet, these memories are not just echoes of the past; they are blueprints for the future. They teach me how to cherish the present, how to love more deeply, how to be truly present with those around me.

Yes, I'm surrounded by those who take me for granted, their actions chipping away at my self-worth. I know I'm not perfect, but I am me. Their dismissive attitudes force me to erect walls, to set boundaries. While this might be a form of self-preservation, a shield against future hurt, it also reveals a yearning for genuine connection. I choose to believe that these experiences, painful as they are, are opportunities to learn and grow. I will strive to find the courage to communicate my needs, to build bridges instead of walls, and to seek out those who value me for who I am.

Why can't we lift each other up, progress together, rather than create these isolating barriers? Why do words and actions inflict such deep wounds, making trust seem like foolishness? These questions remain, but I refuse to let them define my future. Instead, I will be the change I wish to see. I will extend kindness, practice empathy, and cultivate a spirit of collaboration. I will learn to discern genuine connection from fleeting interactions, and I will trust that there are those who seek the same. I will trust that the pain I feel now will lead to a deeper understanding, and a more fulfilling future. I will seek wisdom, and I will believe that a more compassionate world is possible, starting with me.